EVERYONE LOVES A BABY, BUT MINE IS THE BEST

I have said it a million times when people show me their babies, "Oh isn't he/she gorgeous" knowing the parents would think I was being sincere but honestly all babies look the same to me. A bit squashed up and often looking in pain as they are pushing out some baby excrement, but still they grow out of it.
After a two hour delivery Michelle Lucila Lee exited her mother's womb to be born at 9:50pm on 24th September weighing in at a massive 3.9 kilos. To all those who wondered if this was really my baby, their doubts were destroyed when she appeared all pink...
When Michelle was born I felt a sudden rush of shock. I thought I had conceived a misshaped and horrible monster. She looked (in my mind) like she was totally deformed and I don't know how to describe in words I won't later regret.
I just wished I had allowed Josefina to give birth to her in a hospital as she wanted but without the financial capacity to pay for it, opted for a home birth with the village midwife.
But anyway, I rushed out of the room and prayed to God for the strength to accept whatever she looks like. I promised to love her unconditionally despite her disabilities. When I came back half an hour later (yes it took me a while) I took a proper look.
The midwife had washed all the blood off her and her elongated head had strangely taken on normal proportions and her eyes opened slightly and looked a beautiful shade of dark blue.
I don't know why I felt all that initially and its probably inappropriate to share with some people who aren't really happy that a priest has conceived a child, but I really wanted to say that I am now in love with who I think is the most gorgeous baby I have ever seen.
I can see my sister Monica in her, as well as my niece Bridget and even my Dad (in her hair and head shape). She also has my skin colour and sleeps with her arms above her head like I do.
I really don't think it matters what a baby looks like, parents will always love their own child and in some people's cases, its just as well.
I am writing this basically because I want to thank of all you who put up with my rants about the Catholic Church and the Liberal Party and read my posts & share my undeserved blessings!
I am grateful to the 140 or so people who commented and wished us happiness. As I always say, a baby is God's way of saying He wants the world to continue..

Reflections on the birth of our baby

I’ve celebrated hundreds of weddings and baptised thousands of babies and looked with amazement of the love of a mother and father for their child. I thought I understood. I have counseled many couples in crisis, prepared couples for marriage and celebrated funerals for people’s parents. I thought I knew how they felt. I have often known of their secret struggles to love one another but I could never really understand why two people in love could feel anger towards one another. The one thing that often bound them together was the love for a child. She or he is truly something miraculous.

Many have attempted to describe the phenomenon we call birth. Nothing I have read has adequately described it. Its like trying to tell a blind person what a beautiful sunset looks like, or a rainbow. They have no worthy comparison. The same with the emotional explosion which is the birth of your own child. I am lost for words but knew I wanted to attempt a description.

The most prevalent thought was, “this person would never have existence if I had kept my vows”. I have always believed that nothing happens without God’s divine permission. Although consequences can sometimes be less desirable than humans would want it, the Creator has given us free will and He desires that we use it. Not be enslaved by our laws or fears.

When we decided to love one another, Josefina and I knew it would eventually (if God was willing) result in the birth of a child. For love to reach its full potential, it needs to be shared with more than just the couple. That is why there is an inner longing for a child in people in relationship. Those who don’t want one, often given selfish reasons for excluding the possibility that some legacy would be left after their earthly love terminates, to demonstrate how creative their love was. Another human life formed after an intimate act of mutual giving is the proof of eternity for me.

As I lay awake watching Michelle breathe and sleep so peacefully beside her mother it was impossible to sleep. I have sadly been the witness of many still births, babies dying from SIDS (including my niece whom Michelle is named in honour of) and also many terrible accidents resulting in the death of a child.

I remember one incredibly heart wrenching night when as police chaplain I was asked to assist the police who were dealing with an infant’s pool drowning in Springwood, very near where my parents live. The people who were involved were helpless to pacify the grieving parents. A mother in law tried to use pious platitudes to comfort the despairing mother but was only doing more harm. At one point she spoke from her indoctrination and said, “He has gone to a better place…” The mother retaliated, “What’s wrong with our place?”

I accompanied the mother to the hospital and sat with her in a room where she was given the last chance to be with her son in the darkness of a cold sterilised room. Two police stood sobbing outside the door, expected to take statements from her, “when she felt up to it..”

I just sat in stony silence, totally out of my depth and unable to say or do anything to alleviate the thick, painful emptiness that pervades this woman’s heart. I just whispered silent prayers to God asking His assistance and strength. The mother rocked her dead, still damp child in her arms. Her husband experienced a strange but normal desire not to be there. He stood outside the room and just stared into space. I felt privileged to hear the mother’s intimate one way conversation with her son. But I was devastated when she said mournfully, “If I knew you were going to die today I would have sat with you, kissing you all night…”
I burst into tears. I didn’t know the woman or her baby but I felt a common bond.

I stayed as long as I could with that lady as I have done with countless people in similar circumstances. I returned to an empty, dark house with no one to debrief with or no one to cry. I wanted to talk about my emotional response to this tragic situation, if only to ask my own questions. I went to our church and knelt in my usual pew. I have always known the Presence of God in our church especially at night. I felt a blanket of love envelope me and convince me that I had done something good just by being there, even without my words.

That event frightened me. I knew in my mind that I wouldn’t last as a celibate priest dealing with grief and joy in the one day, a life of roller-coaster emotions.. running from baptisms to weddings to funerals to car accidents.. I needed to live my life with more normalcy.

From then on I have prayed to meet a person I could share my remaining earthly years with in a life that allows me freedom from such intense moments of pain and spiritual suffering. I know it sounds selfish, but I had had enough of grief. I had had enough of watching other people’s joy and happiness knowing it would never be an experience I could fully comprehend.

I knew that if I did meet the woman that God gave in answer to my prayers, it wouldn’t be a rose garden of happiness.. I most feared that once you allow yourself to love someone you also allow yourself to be hurt by them. But I was prepared to take that risk. Many before me have done so and appreciated the good with the bad or vice versa. Now that we have a child I have a greater motivation to make sure I hold back from saying or doing the things that would contribute to the erosion of our peace and relationship.

I am watching you Michelle and I never want to feel regret that I did not love you enough. I want to know that whatever happens, I am grateful to God and Josefina for giving me the best treasure in my life. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know how long I have with you. But I will pray every day a grateful Eucharist that you are my daughter, my connection with eternity and the visible proof that I have been in this world.

I will conclude by repeating the words a friend told me recently (although I cant remember who exactly told me): "When you see what your wife goes through to give birth to your baby, you will hold her in a sort of esteem you didn't have for her previously. Your love is intensified when you see your baby."

Well whoever it was that told me, was spot on. I feel immense pride for my wife Josefina and seeing her joy when she changes Michelle's clothing endlessly and smothers her in love, I feel incredibly gratitude to her for loving and accepting me and for gifting me with the most precious treasure I could ever have imagined!

Someone asked where they could send us a gift and I suggested politely that we have enough baby clothes and toys now to satisfy the village. (Josefina suggested to open a BabyCo type store and sell the clothes but I quickly reminded her that I am hoping for more babies!)

If you do wish to give us a gift that would help us much more appropriately, please go to my website
www.unholysilence.com  and buy my book. (Buy two and give one to a friend!)

My wife Josefina and I and baby Michelle thank you all for your prayerful support and concern.

May God richly bless you and your family too!